I put yet another ad for a Personal Care Attendant on Craigslist today. Each time I go through this attendant search, it gets harder emotionally, and trusting the Lord takes more effort. The trial exposes my selfishness and anger, leading me to feel discouraged about my relationship with the Lord. Trials have a way of taking off my masks, forcing me to see how little I evidence His transformation in my life.
On a surface level, I struggle with fear of not getting the type of PCA I want, as well as the fear of going into a nursing home. Additionally, I'm just plain tired of the constant stress of advertizing, interviewing and training every few months. I don't want to keep doing this!
But the deeper level disturbs me even more. I don't like seeing my lack of faith, my anger, and my self-pity. This afternoon, all these vile reactions to the situation had me question my salvation. I know my works don't save me and my sins don't damn me, but I'd certainly like to see more evidence of the Holy Spirit's fruit in how I conduct myself through this situation. Please pray that I won't prove to be a hypocrite.