Tuesday, February 10, 2015

My Slipping Mask

I put yet another ad for a Personal Care Attendant on Craigslist today. Each time I go through this attendant search, it gets harder emotionally, and trusting the Lord takes more effort. The trial exposes my selfishness and anger, leading me to feel discouraged about my relationship with the Lord. Trials have a way of taking off my masks, forcing me to see how little I evidence His transformation in my life.

On a surface level, I struggle with fear of not getting the type of PCA I want, as well as the fear of going into a nursing home. Additionally, I'm just plain tired of the constant stress of advertizing, interviewing and training every few months. I don't want to keep doing this!

But the deeper level disturbs me even more. I don't like seeing my lack of faith, my anger, and my self-pity. This afternoon, all these vile reactions to the situation had me question my salvation. I know my works don't save me and my sins don't damn me, but I'd certainly like to see more evidence of the  Holy Spirit's fruit in how I conduct myself through this situation. Please pray that I won't  prove to be a hypocrite.

2 comments:

  1. Sorry that things are so difficult DebbieLynne. I get a Boston tv station and it's incredible seeing what all you Bostonians are going through. I pray that the peace of the Lord which surpasses our understanding encompasses you round about, that no matter what happens you are kept safe in His tender care. I understand about sometimes wondering "if I'm really saved". It is during those times I pray "Lord I believe, help Thou my unbelief!" and of course He does. :)
    Lately sometimes at night I sense, and fear, the neatness of death. Then the verse "yeah though I walk through the shadow of death, I will fear no evil" and as I think on His words an indescribable strength and calm enters me. I pray the Lord will still these many storms in your life, He is watching and caring even when He seems so far away. Bless you dear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nearness of death, not neatness (spellchecker)

      Delete

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